girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
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