she kept yelling 'call me bella'
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
