The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
