You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
