also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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