So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Randomize
