the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
