I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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