If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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