So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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