Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Randomize
