my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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