his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
foreskin is a definite game changer
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
