i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize