God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
