i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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