Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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