it wasn't lemon gatorade
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Randomize
