I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize