i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize