I heard we made out
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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