im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
