I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Barsexuality is the new black.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize