Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
