I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Even my vagina gasped.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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