Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
BRING THE BAGELS
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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