Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
