Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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