She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
