Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
