you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
