So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
