the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
