you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
