Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
