Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
the liver wants what the liver wants
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
