I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
