she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
