so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
you didnt know i had herpes?
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
