Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
