Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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