Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
