she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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