Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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