Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Randomize
