I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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