Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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