every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
