Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
