Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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