I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
