Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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