I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
