My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
