id be glad to
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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