Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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