We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize