now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
the liver wants what the liver wants
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
