You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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