But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
