before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize