is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize