the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize